Joe stretched his feet out under the table and looked Veronica steadily in the eye. “Okay, so you think we’re fools. That’s fine. Just tell us where Elise went and we’ll leave you alone.”
“I told you I have pretty strong feelings about that. She doesn’t want you, she doesn’t need you...if I knew anything, why would I betray her confidence?”
“The fact that we love her makes no difference to you?” Brent demanded, leaning forward so suddenly he startled her. “Don’t tell me you’ve worked in places like this so long you don’t have any faith in love.”
Veronica leaned forward too, displaying a mound of surgically enhanced cleavage. “What makes you think I don’t love Elise myself?”
Brent’s mouth fell open as if this was a possibility he had never considered.
Joe recovered more quickly. “She obviously doesn't love you, or she'd still be at your place. If she doesn’t want you any more than she wants us, why not tell us where she went? We’ll let you go back to whatever you were doing, and that will be the end of it.”
Veronica idly twirled a lock of hair while pretending to consider this. “I thought there was something you were going to give me if I talked. You don’t think I’d betray a friend for nothing, do you?”
“I can pay you the same way I paid to get you to this table.”
“How much?”
“I’ve got two more.”
Veronica frowned into her drink. “The last thing I want is for Elise to hate me. I lost track of her for years. We used to be roommates, danced together, hung out together. We dated some of the same guys back when I still dated guys. And even though she stayed straight and I didn't, I kept hoping one of those jerks would be the last and she'd see who her real friends were. When she started acting like she wanted to settle down, I thought I didn’t stand a chance. Then all of a sudden she looks me up and needs a favor—a place to stay and for me to keep my mouth shut. Two simple things. It just doesn’t seem right to tattle over a little blow.”
“What else do you want?” Brent asked.
“What makes you so sure my information has a price?”
“All information has a price.”
“Not necessarily,” Veronica said, finishing her drink and indicating to the waitress that they wanted another round. “Just because I work in a place like this doesn’t mean I don’t have standards.”
“No one said you didn’t,” Joe told her. “But you’re not ratting on Elise. She’s scared and needs our help.”
Veronica shook her head. “She may be scared, but if you think she needs help from you, you don’t know her very well. Besides, you can't keep pace with her. She’s probably not even in the country any more. You guys are wasting your time.”
Joe pushed his empty beer bottle aside. “Where is she going?”
“She told me she didn’t feel safe here. She was worried you’d find her, even after she changed her name and bleached her hair.”
“She colored her hair, too?” Brent asked.
“You didn’t know? She makes a delicious blonde.”
“Fine, whatever,” Joe said. “So where was she talking about going? Did she already have her plane tickets? What about a visa?”
"I don't know. She got a passport from that guy she bought her new name from, but I got the feeling that it made her a little nervous. I think if she goes through with her plan to leave the country, she may do it under her own name."
"Where was she thinking about going? And how was she going to get there?"
"I really don't know," Veronica admitted. "She said something about wanting to catch a flight to the Virgin Islands or someplace like that, and then go from there to some larger country where it's not too hard to get a work permit. I told her that was stupid and she should catch one of those Mexican express buses to Veracruz and relocate from there under her phony name. There's lots of shady characters in Mexico who could help her out, and their prices are cheaper than dirt."
"So what did she decide?"
"I said I don't know." Veronica looked around for the waitress. "Where's that other round I ordered?"
"You sure you should be drinking so much?" Brent asked, toying with a napkin from under his empty martini glass.
"Who are you, my mother? At least I'm not driving."
Brent opened his mouth to say something, but Joe flashed him a silencing look, and at that moment the waitress arrived with a tray full of drinks. "It's about time," Veronica told her. "What took you so long?"
The waitress ignored Veronica's nagging and began setting drinks in front of them. "Some of your other customers are wondering when you're going to go see them."
Veronica craned her neck and a group of men in electrician's uniforms waved at her. She turned back to Joe. "If we're going to do business, we need to cut the bullshit and get down to it. I've got some regulars waiting to see me, and they're my bread and butter."
Joe reached for his fresh beer. "I'm just waiting on you. I made you an offer: two more of what I gave you earlier if you tell me who Elise was going to see after she left you."
"Is that the best you can do?"
"It's a pretty good offer, I think," Joe said. "What else do you want?"
Veronica considered. "How about the phone number of the person you got this stuff from? That's better shit than what my contact I have now is getting me."
"We got it from Sylvia Lobo," Brent said. "You remember her."
Veronica smiled. "I sure as hell remember Sylvia. Man, I haven't talked to her in forever. I had no idea she was still in the business." She drained half her Jack and coke, then darted a look at her table of electricians and indicated she would only be a minute more. "How can I get in touch with her?"
Brent had pulled out his wallet by this point and was copying the phone number onto a cocktail napkin from the blue post-it they had found in Elise's office a few days before. "Don't mention us, okay?"
Veronica folded the napkin and slipped it into a pocket of her jacket. Then she turned to Joe. "Well?"
Joe searched his jacket pockets, removed a few pieces of paper, then took the jacket off and slipped it around her shoulders. "Left inside pocket."
Veronica fumbled a bit, then shrugged off Joe's jacket and handed it back. "Ursula Docet."
"What?"
"Ursula Docet. That's who Elise went to stay with. She's one of the women from the ballet. We did a lot of our training with her."
"Do you have a phone number or an address for her?" Joe asked.
"Sorry."
"Is she still with the ballet?"
"I have no idea."
"That's okay," Brent said. "If she's not at the ballet, there will be some kind of record at the academy or on the internet. Ballet is pretty incestuous. We ought to be able to track her down."
"Well that's good," Joe said. "Otherwise that would've been a pretty high price just for a name."
Veronica drained the last of her drink and got to her feet, "That's all you asked for, remember?" She tossed her heavy hair over her shoulder and straightened her jacket. "Just remember, if you find her, you didn't get anything out of me."
"Of course not."
"You won't find her, though."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
I get the sense of how smart these women are..that they are playing their hand to the very best..will we ever find Elise!
ReplyDeleteWhat is she afraid of? I still don't get why she's running.
ReplyDeleteI'm behind in reading here, but this chapter reads very well--great dialog.
ReplyDeleteAlice is right, you haven't given us anything from Elise's side. Are you going to tempt us with even a teaser of what she is doing or thinking? If she is testing the guys she is also testing me too!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this woman is lying what does she have to lose she gets what she wants. This is a great story.
ReplyDeleteAnn -
ReplyDeleteI've gone back and read this from the beginning. What you have here is seriously good. Your writing is strong, direct, and at times even elegant. You set vivid scenes and handle dialog skilfully.
But let my put on my critic's hat. Here are some things you might want to think about, that could be opportunities for improvement.
You're writing gritty realism, so the it has to be spot-on realistic. The hospital scene doesn't meet that standard. There's no way a Dr. or anyone at a hospital would give these two guys the information they're looking for. HIPPA regulations would absolutely forbid it. Most likely, their persistence would invite a call to the police.
This is a plot driven story, and you sweep us along with the urgency of the quest. But great fiction is character driven. A while back someone mentioned in comments that your characters are hard to relate to. In fact, they are mostly low-lifes, several are despicable, and there is nobody to care much about, let alone identify with. Except possibly Joe, but he has a long way to go to make me care about him and his problem at a level above curiosity.
A lot of the drive here comes from the mystery of the missing Elise. But there is not much reason to like or care about her, either.
What motivates these people? Joe is pretty transparent, though you could be tricking us with him as well. Brent is a real puzzle. He's probably throwing away his entire life - and for what? This has to be revealed at some point, and if it's not really powerful at the life-or-death level, the whole story might well collapse. Ditto Elise.
Your PoV is 3rd person objective, which I think of as 3rd person ignorant, since you never have any idea what is going on in anyone's head. With the characters you have, this remote approach makes it even a bit harder for the reader to have an emotional stake in their outcomes.
At this point, we're either rooting for Joe or rooting for Elise, but not with a lot of passion. I doubt if anyone is rooting for Brent. Though all of your characters are three dimensional, the others are just there to provide plot points.
You've probably thought about some of this, and what I'm saying might have no value at all. Plus, it's hard for me to tell if this seems harsh. If so, I apologize. It's not meant to. I'm attempting to offer some reader's insights that might be helpful.
At any rate, I'm with you until the end.
Cheers!
JzB
@JzB: Your points are well taken, but this story was from the beginning a miss for me, in spite of numerous revisions. Did you read my author's note? http://points-of-departure.blogspot.com/2012/04/authors-note.html
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, you're not supposed to like the MCs until near the end when they finally get themselves into a big enough mess to hold a mirror to their behavior. Elise isn't the point of the story, and her disappearance is only a catalyst, although I'm beginning to find it amusing that after all this, some people still think it's about her and that she'll make an appearance.
I'll probably take this site down once I've let it all post. I didn't think having something this uneven and offbeat would be a negative, given my larger body of posted and published work, but I'm realizing now that this was a mistake.
I did read your head note, so I realize that Eloise is just a foil. But even an off-stage character must have motivation that is comprehensible, even if we never meet her - especially sinc she is the focal point for the action.
DeleteAgain, I didn't in any way intend this comment to be negative, and I hope you aren't discouraged by it.
Not every experiment works, and maybe you end up trashing this one. But I think you can develop something really good out of it.
You're talking about character development with Joe and Brent. I don't think that can happen all at once at the end. There has to be some leaning in that direction along the way.
I don't see this story as being uneven. I see it as a story project with certain inherent problems - as any story project would. They're probably solvable, but only you can decide if the effort is worth it -- to you.
Good luck with it.
JzB
Extremely good scene setting, and the dialogue is particularly well done. If you are dis-satisfied with something as good as this - you must be very good indeed.
ReplyDelete